I want to hang a map of the world in my house, then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house - 'Well, I was
lost but now I live here'. I have severely improved my predicament.
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell, "Fore!" I was too busy yelling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him!"
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Mitch Hedberg makes me laugh
Mitch Hedberg is (was) a funny dude. His comedy style was similar to Steven Wright, based almost entirely on simple observations made funny by his delivery. Some of my favorites: